Your Word, Our Writing – Joshua Flanders: Clams, Cook'em up.

Clams AhoyWell I don't know much about nothin, but if there's one thing I think I might know, it's Clams.  Oh, sorry for being rude.  My name is Russel.  I'm a cook see.  Dat's how come I know how to cook them clams up something good.So I'll start out by tellin ya about da secret to da clam sauce.  You gotta grab a possum and boil it up.  Don't have to be fresh.  Easier to catch em after they been hit by dem farm trucks heading to da market.  Ain't none of my business how da damn thing died.  Just that it ain't movin when it gets in da pot.  Take what comes out of dat pot and put it down in dat other pot of whiskey.  Oh, sorry I forgot to mention you need a pot of whiskey for da stew.  Prolly cause I drank the first bottle of whiskey I was sposed to use in the stew.  But there ain't no race goin on so you take your time and enjoy cooking up your Clams just right.Next up, you gots to take dat whiskey dead possum soup you got and throw in dem vegetables.  Any you want long as they are green and ain't turned brown.  Unless they're supposed to be brown, then make sure they ain't green.  Toss'em in dat stew and stir until the stew don't smell like dead possum no more.  Then you got vegetable stew, which is poisonous to real men so you gots to make sure you add the clams quick before you get that veggie plague and turn into one of dem zombies from dat TV show.After dat, you got dem clams all settled in the stew and they'll look like they're nappin all peaceful like.  Like a baby rat sleeping in a little cardboard box you bought from dat reptile store.  And just like that rat, you got to take dem clams back out and smash em open so you can eat the good bits inside.  Hah, bet you thought I meant I ate those rats.  Nah I fed those to my pet python dat I bought.  Gotta fatten him up so he's ready for dat Thanksgiving dinner coming up.  Momma sure loves her shiskabob snake.So after you rip out dem juicy bits, you gonna want to dip them in ketchup.  Remember the golden rule when it comes to ketchup, there ain't no rules.  Use as much as you want.  My auntie was a nurse one time and she told me ketchup is good for you cause it's red like blood so it's like replacing blood.  I don't know about you but I don't like runnin low on blood.  Just in case I gets bitten by dem vampires, it's nice to know I got extra in da tank.  I keep a packet in my shirt all da time just in case.After that, you pour out that soup into a bowl and you throw out dem evil devil vegetables afore the smell of em makes you get one of dem seizures you get from signing up for Obama care.Finally, you just pray to the lord till he tells you it's time to eat, or he tells your misses and she smacks you a good one for makin her wait till dat food goes chilly.Thanks for listening to ol' Russel.  Sometimes I feel like ain't no one listening no more now that they got that world wide spider web.